gospel of dischord

I am getting the FUCK out of my old life!!!
Everyone be happy for me, I have a life plan now!!!
I have a great job opportunity and life waiting for me in LA.
I am going to move in May, wish me luck!!!!

Ok so I have been thinking alot about my life and where I am going and what I am doing etc. and basically I have come to the conclusion that I am a tottal fuck up. The bright side is that I am a fuck up with a lot of potential. I am slacking in school, only because I know Ill do well either way. I am dissapointed in my self for not taking more of an active role, even though I am almost positive that I am smarter than about 70-80% of the student body, its a waste of my academic life to do what I am. I also feel like I am really fucked up about guys. My ex really did a number on me and I feel pathetic and sad that I still havent totally moved on yet. I am seeing this new guy who I am pretty sure really likes me, and I thought I did too. But now I am not sure if I want to be with him bc I like him, or if its bc I want to prove to myself and others that I have moved on. The sickest part is recently about 3 guys have been actively pursuing me and I really enjoy stringing them along. Making them feel like they may have a chance, when in reality there is no way it will ever happen. Even more sick is the fact that in the back of my head I am doing all of this to show my ex how desirable I am, and how well I am doing now. Its fucked up I know but I want him in some ways to feel bad just like how he made me feel. I know that this is not healthy behavior but it makes me feel better. well better most of the time, other times I feel pathetic and masochistic.
Why is life so hard?

I think I actually like someone......

Halloween was great as usual. We went out fri-mon and rocked out. Satuday kind of sucked because my stalker was folowing me and my purse got stollen. I had to take him aside and pretend that this other guy was my new boyfriend, he finally got the point but was still like, "everytime I see you i just want to make out with you soo bad. Creepy huh? My phone was returned by some girl, and no money was spent on any of my credit cards so it all works out I guess. I was holding my friends credit card though and the asshole who stole it spent $200 at styr, but she doenst have to pay because she had already cancled it, so its all good.
Besides all that shit is going well i guess. I want more friends to visit my ass. Now that I have a life here finally its really fucking fun so you should all come play!!!

What the fuck should I be for Halloween?!?! I really need help, any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

I hate Richard, I hope the fucking bastard rots in hell.

So I havent written in forever, I have been completly heart broken. I feel shitty all the time, and then I feel shitty for feeling shitty. I know I deserve better but that doesnt change the fact that I still love him. Last night I finally got up the courage to give all his shit back, with a note explaining how hurt he made me feel all the time. I just didnt know what else to do, so I thought the best thing was to not have him in my life at all anymore. We tried the bieng friends thing, but it just doesnt work. Everytime I am around him or see him, somehow I end up feeling like shit. I honestly don't know if he is even aware of the things he does/says but I just don't think I can handle going on like this. Its hard b/c when he asks for an explination I don't know what to say. It's already been a month since we broke up, and I think he already has a new girlfriend. I saw him holding hands with her at a bar. He just walked right past me without a word. talk about heart wrentching. I am so fucking confused.....it makes me sad.

So things are kind of weird these days, which I guess is totally normal. Finals are approaching, I have one on thursday and two on friday, Sucks! So I am busy either studying, or pretending I am studying and actually farting around with the internet and doing stuff like I am now.
Well my boyfriend has returned from his month v-cay in D.C., and things have gotten a bit strange between us. While in New York visiting some friends, he got an offer from one of his close friends to help him run a resturant in Park Slope Brookland. He wouldnt leave until around April, but it has caused a serious rift in our relationship. I mean does the long-distance thing ever work? Furthermore I don't even know if thats an option thats on the table. I am at a complete loss of what to do.

ah why is it that 'shit happens'? Why can't life just be shitless?

So I have finally completed my move!!! It basically took me a month but everything was actually done in the past 4 days. Moving = Hell! I hate packing and moving but I really hate un-packing. Its like after you have worked your ass off to get out of one place, the very next moment you have to worry about getting it all to the new place, and then organize everything. I hate organizing. On top of all my classes and homework I have been able to do nothing else, but I am almost done with everything. I tried selling alot of crap so I wouldnt have to move it, but I only sold 3 things.

Weird:
Yesterday in the mail I got a check for $1,100. Which is crazy and awsome in itself, but I have no idea who sent it to me or where it came from. I have asked everyone in my family and they all swear it was not them. So for now I depositted it in my bank and am hoping for the best. So keep your fingers crossed!!!

I have a test tomorrow in poli sci so I should get to studying because I have no idea what John Locke is trying to say half the time.
peace out.......

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Alex
Birthday:	September 8th 1983
Birthplace:	Washington D.C.
Current Location:	Boulder, Co
Eye Color:	Brown
Hair Color:	Brown/Black
Height:	6'0
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right
Your Heritage:	German, French, Scottish, Russian, Hungarian, Polish
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Flip Flops
Your Weakness:	Ciggs
Your Fears:	Not bieng happy
Your Perfect Pizza:	Fresh Mozzerlla, tomatoes, onions, garlic, prosutto, and arugala
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Get all A's
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	"Get the fuck out"
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Shit. I hate mornings.
Your Best Physical Feature:	Hair
Your Bedtime:	2am ish
Your Most Missed Memory:	Parties at my old house
Pepsi or Coke:	Coke
MacDonalds or Burger King:	MacDonalds if either
Single or Group Dates:	ehh...depends
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Cappuccino
Do you Smoke:	Yes
Do you Swear:	Yes
Do you Sing:	Not as of yet.
Do you Shower Daily:	Sometimes
Have you Been in Love:	Yes
Do you want to go to College:	I am in College
Do you want to get Married:	Most Def
Do you belive in yourself:	Most of the time
Do you get Motion Sickness:	No
Do you think you are Attractive:	Yes
Are you a Health Freak:	No
Do you get along with your Parents:	For very short amounts of time and on the phone
Do you like Thunderstorms:	If I am with other people than yes. They are scary when your alone.
Do you play an Instrument:	Not anymore
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	Yes
In the past month have you Smoked:	Yes
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	Depends on what you considder drugs
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	Yes
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	Yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	No
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	Yes
In the past month have you been on Stage:	No
In the past month have you been Dumped:	No
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	Yes
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	ehh.. pens
Ever been Drunk:	Yes, and maybe too many times.
Ever been called a Tease:	Yes
Ever been Beaten up:	Not really, been punched in the face by some girl but thats it.
Ever Shoplifted:	Yes
How do you want to Die:	Painlessly around 85
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	Happy
What country would you most like to Visit:	Greece or Japan
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	Blue/Green
Favourite Hair Color:	Blonde/Brown
Short or Long Hair:	Short, unless its a mohawk
Height:	above 6'0
Weight:	ehh.. depends
Best Clothing Style:	Hot
Number of Drugs I have taken:	I don't know some
Number of CDs I own:	2000 plus
Number of Piercings:	none to many
Number of Tattoos:	I love tattoos, except if they are really lame.
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	Just enough to know better now.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Ok so I know it has been a VERY long time since I last wrote on this thing, but I have been busy (well sort of). I just started summer school and already it is kicking my ass! I have class everyday from 9 till 2, plus work babysitting and homework. I am getting tottaly stressed out, which is probably the reason I am back here to vent.

I don't know if any of my friends still read this but if you do HI.
Justine- I love you how are you, why no more journal? You are my web master and now you are starting to disapoint me.
Graham- First off Fuck you. Second, where the hell are you?
Cristin- Soon I will be about 10 feet from you all the time so there is nothing new to tell you.
Sug Sug- Thank you for listining to me the other night when I was really wasted. I love you soooo much come visit.
Maia- You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray. You never know dear how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away..... Come visit sooner than august I miss you!

I don't think anyone else who matters reads, but if I am mistaken drop me a nasty comment, Ill love it.

Peace Out Mother Fuckers!

So my vacation was worth the wait. I got really drunk ate alot of Cosi, all in all it was a good time. In just over two weeks I will return home again for hopefully more fun. Back here in Boulder little has changed, more work, more shit.... I have only been home for about 12 hours and already wrote 1 paper and started my speech which are both due tonight at 6:30pm, hopefully I can finish in time. There is snow everywhere so getting around by scooter wont be happening which just makes life that much harder, but if all goes well today I will go out and get very drunk, which is always fun (especially if I don't have to pay).
So my real question is: When are more people going to come out to Boulder to visit my ass? I need attention from my friends so if you come I promise to make it worth your while!!!
Ok time to take the f-ing bus to school....peace

AHHH!
I need to get out of Colorado soon before I kill myself. Thanksgiving is coming soon enough, and I really need a break. I am starting to feel really trapped, and out of control. I am really home sick, I need the comforts of DC to cure my mental slate. I feel like I am in an uncontrollable spiral that could be slowed down if I leave.
How can you start a new relationship when your totaly not over and in love with someone else? The worst part is this other person lives very far away, and only sort of knows how I feel. We have hooked up before but nothing serious has happened, basically because I am a huge wuss. Over vacay though I am going to make a serious attempt, and if it doesnt work I guess ill just go with what I have here, even though I don't know if I want to. But I am very lonely and need a little comforting these days.
well now I must go to class......
Peace out bitches

The Gossip and Le Tigre rocked so hard tonight. I almost broke my hip I had so much fun. If you didnt make it I pitty you... Le Tigre preformed Decepticon better than I have ever seen it! The crowd was so into it I loved it. Today was a good day!
Love Alex


PS Everyone should check out this site, Graham gave it to me and it is fucking hilarious, FUCK BUSH!!!! http://72.3.131.10/gallery/1/

Don't you just hate sticky situations?
When you don't know what you want to do, but your sort of bieng looked at to make a decision?

I really miss DC, I can't wait until Thanksgiving!
I demand all of my friends to hang out with me!
Plus who wants to pick my ass up from National on the 23rd?


Le Tigre and the Gossip tomorrow, whose comming with?

The world must be full of idiots. I am utterly ashamed and horrified that Bush was reelected. How could they be voting based on morality and vote Bush? U.S. citizens open your fucking eyes!!! Who cares if joe schmoo down the street is gay? Are they directly affecting you, making you feel like less of a person?!?! I think not! To all those fucked up assholes in the Bible belt: "I officially hate you"!!!

Blah; thats how I feel today. Although I did find out that the test I thought was tomorrow has been reschedualed for next week!
This weekend was HELLA (thats right I said hella) FUN!!! Amy's sister came to town so we rocked it out all weekend starting last wenesday. I met cristin, amy, richard and claire for drinks at the downer and it started to pour, and there hail too, we then went to catacombs for a hot sec but amy, richard and I left to get some blow. We rocked it out until 6am, and all passed out at cristins till I got a ride back to my scooter around 930.
Thursday-recovered
Friday-Got totally wasted at like 8 bars, amy got really drunk and called her sister a dumb whore because she thought she was trying to get on this guy she digs it was hilariuos, we danced at stir but left after a bit because the music sucked, even though they said it was 80's night all they played was awkward hip hop. Steph cristen and I got more blow ( I didnt really do any all summer then all of the sudden...well too much thats all ive got to say), we hung out at this guys house until4 then went home.
Saturday- Best night ever!! Cristin, Amy, her sister and I went to see a blue grass show at this brewery, we just sat there drinking the best wine ever, and I didnt see any blue grassin going on, we left and ended up at round' midnight where these boys we encountered at the door paid out cover. We instantly got on the dance floor and started taring it up. No If I am not drunk I prob wont dance, but when I am watch out!! Cristin and I were dancing together and everyone was trying to get on us it was funny, towards the end we pretended to make out so these weird guys would leave us alone.The club was soooo HOT we were all sweating like crazy but it just made it more fun. It was so much fun, I will now go there every saturday.

I have to prepare/do all my work before my trip to San Diego on thursday. to make things worse my bitchy roommate left me this nasty note about what she thinks I should do around the house. I feel like killing her, she thinks she is such the martyr for living with me, and ofcorse I feel the same but would never fucking say it. All I want is for her to leave me alone. I stay out of her way as much as possible so I don't do somthing stupid like slash her tires (jk). I think I need to live alone next year or maybe with a boy, either sounds good to me.

ok well I should really get back to work.
Peace out bitches!!

I did't really do anything of note this weekend. Thursday I went to Blackhawk were Claires friend finally lead me to the Texas Hold'um tables in the Lodge casino. Its a really good thing I don't have a car, otherwise I would be there alot. I bought it for $30 an left with $117, not too shabby. John bought in for $150 an left with $380, he is much better than I am. Well not so much better but I have a much tighter betting style.

The rest of the weekend I went out to some bars, hung out with dan, went to dinner with Cristin and her mom, and saw Wimbledon (which was cute but mindless).

Oh wen. there is a poker tournament at Cattacombs, first prize is a harley there is also a cruise an a buy in at the WPT. I want to go, anyone want to go with me?

ok so I know its been forever since I have used this thing but I have been real busy (scoff scoff). But now that I am all moved into my new place and have internet I bet that will all change now.
so MAJOR NEWS: I am now offically 21, thats right I am a full adult in the eyes of the law. Thankfully my parents dont see me that way and hopefully will continue to take care of me, becuase after all I am the baby of the family. (in all truth they dont really take care of me emotionaly, for that i still need to turn to drugs haha).
For my birthday I got totally smashed and consumed a wopping 14 drinks in the span of about 5 hours, after leaving the bars I don't remember much but aparently I demanded to go to the hot tub. The celebrating continued over the weekend where we got this sweet ass suite (ha) in Blackhawk at the Isle of Capri casino complete with our own hot tub in the room. We had a blast and did nothing but gamble for about 12 hours. I was dissapointed to find that they did not have texas hold um, but in the end it was all good because i won alot of money at the black jack table, how much i actually won has yet to be determined, but i think its around 65-70 bucks which is not bad, considering thats about how much all my friends lost each.

I really should be studying for my sociology test so later

PS. Liberman is the biggest douchebag ever!